Trust is something. Trust is a relationship between two people. It can come quickly, or we spend a lifetime trying to achieve it. Trust it, have faith, and spirituality are sensitive topics. Is it because we learn not to trust based on life experiences?
My trust in faith waivers constantly. We all interpret what we read in the bible differently or when we listen to a sermon or lecture. It is often we do not discuss the bible, religion, faith, or our spirituality freely because it can cause judgment, arguments, rifts, or trigger angry people. For me, I have been forced to pray – because of religion, former people like priests, my mother, my boss, or even felt intimidated by Christians who say, is it ok if we pray before or after a gathering? I had a conversation with a friend this past week about prayer and talking with God. I still struggle with watching or listening to my friend pray starting with thanking God, praising him for the wisdom and being able to talk about God without any expectations from me to add to that moment of prayer. I felt guilty, very conscious of not contributing to the prayer, and jealous.
I struggle to pray every day. I feel strange to ask God for something. I often think about what life will hold for me as I enter my 30+ years living with Multiple Sclerosis. I turned 60 in October 2023. I felt disappointed in me on my birthday. I look back on the plans and goals I had or set in my life, and I did not accomplish those goals. I often wonder if it is because I didn’t trust God with my life and did not pray. My friend tells me every time we talk, “God is not done with you yet!” I find that interesting. I am still here pushing myself every day to not let this disease defeat me. Instead of just placing all my trust in God, I placed all my trust in me, my mindset that I don’t need anyone, I can overcome this. I developed this huge chip in my mind because I suffer every day with this disease, I felt I should be rewarded for that. Instead of trusting God to be vindicated for my patience, my suffering with pain. I need to learn the power of trust. I need him. I am left hanging because I think I do not have the strength in my spirituality to trust. I need to. The picture I put in the beginning of this post is powerful to me. This is my mindset. I am hanging off the cliff, the person holding me is God I have nothing to lose.
I accomplished and overcame things I thought were next to impossible. I have 2 college degrees. A huge milestone especially for me who had a poor GPA in high school. I had many false starts with college. Signed up, but always gave up because I did not feel supported about my decisions to work towards a career. I blamed my MS for my career changes. I blamed many things that happened growing up with abuse, people hurting me over the years, but I hurt them too. Now, my sister and I have started a website called Sister Niches. I am not sure where this will lead to or if it will be successful. I have this desire to make it successful, but do I trust that it will succeed? My friend tells me every time we end our conversation, trust God. Let him help you. He will. Trust…
Pam, I feel everything you said, but I will say this. Trust Him, lay everything at the feet of Jesus. He never promised us no suffering or pain he promised us eternal life. You cannot stay wrapped up in your disease of MS, but you can be wrapped up in him. Now you and your sister are together again she will show you some of the light you been missing. From car rides to beaches, trust her, and trust him to provide. I still shoot photo’s even though I cannot get out my car ! There is still so much I cannot do, but there still is so much I CAN do, even with my limited mobility. You got this ! The more you write the better and closer you will come to him. After all if he did not give us a purpose we would not continue to reach out to him or think of him. I thank him daily but there are also times I cuss and scream at him too ! We are not all perfect but we all are sinners..